See Yourself Changed Drastically


I’m moving out of my dorm, because it’s nearing the end of the snowboarding season, and the restaurant finally closed (thank you gods) but I’m not sure where I’m moving to next, yet.  Because of that, I’ve been trying not to stop packing to read things, but sometimes you can’t help it, a lot of these things I’m coming across just aren’t going to read themselves.  I’ve stopped to read the index of books I’m giving away, stopped to read old notebooks with to do lists inside–I felt pretty good about crossing off “do laundry” on a list dated about a year ago, I’m pretty sure the laundry specified on that list got done at some point in the last year, and I’m entitled to a quick cross off. I’ve read entire short stories, blog posts, and articles on Aljazera’s web-site. Again, I’m on a mission, and these things aren’t going to read themselves.  Wait a minute I’m on a packing mission, and I’m trying to remind myself not to stop and read anymore when I come to a container of cosmetics, so I’m opening up all the samples I’ve some how acquired, hair oil, I open it up, dump it on my hair, and throw out the little vile feeling just one step closer to packing, a sample packet of lip and eye firming lotion, I rip it open and smear it all over my face, and I’m one step closer to packed, a single serving of tooth past, I have a quick suckle on it, my breath is freshened, and I am one step closer to packed!  But then I come upon a packet of gel I picked up from a hotel once. And it reads “Shape Up Gel (shape up gel grape fruit flavor)” and I have to read on, “I can’t join the party due to ugly body. I am now in shape-up mode. Some day I will do it with dress up,” (a picture of two peppers). “BODY SELEB” (all caps, outlined, italicized and in a decorative font) is willing to help you to achieve it. The success gives you self-confidence. Let’s go to the party where a lot of celeb gather. You will see yourself changed drastically.”

That weird little pep talk makes me feel so empty. I’m 34, and I’m leaving a dorm for where? Gods, I just want to get back in bed and read something else. Something that’s willing to entertain me.

But now on to a thought about Japan’s urgent decorative English problem: the nation has a lot of trouble with pronouns, and difficulty understanding how to use “let’s” for some reason.  When I hear “Let’s go to…” my answer is usually, “Yes, let’s!” But when I see it printed somewhere, “Let’s go to….” I think, “Yes, I want to, why not? Sounds fun, but who are you? And–wait a minute–what is your ulterior motive?”

I’m going to go take a shower with this shape up gel.  Too bad I don’t have this gargantuan back razor I saw at the drug store.  Then I could really dig into my ugly body problem, enter shape up mode, and we could attend the party where the celebs gather, and I would never have to pack. razor


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