In the group home recently we had a party. Someone brought Jagermeister because it’s getting closer to Christmas, but we didn’t open it because we had enough alcohol. Someone asked what it tasted like and I said tastes like sweat from a reindeer’s balls, but I only know the word for deer so really I […]
Author Archives: Emily
I’ve been doing some extra work. More than one of the regular extras has a self published book that they can’t explain the topic of in less than ten minutes, if at all. I have so much in common with these people I’m wondering, and quite scared of the possibility of meeting the future Mr. […]
There’s a secretary at work who dresses like she’s about to play soccer, but she’s not. I like her. She shuffles everywhere. She moves slow. She doesn’t talk much. In an office of people who are yelling and gesturing and grabbing papers like they’re playing a stock broker in the movies during a collapse of […]
Americans tend to think they’re the only consumers who use food choices as a means for self-harm, but I’ve got news for them, there’s an international market of tired hungry people interested in fatty absurdest food creations. May I present to you some rolls filled with stew, among other things, that I saw at a […]
(Photo credit: Wikipedia) I don’t know anything about business, but I have some undeniably good ideas, and I suspect the way the business world works is that if you write about them on a lightly viewed and poorly edited blog, that’s like calling dibs on them, and then they’re yours and no one can take […]
Yesterday one of my students said, “Maroniiii diet down please. Ten Kilos. Pig meat.” And then she patted my paunch and said something like “bububububu.” And everyone agreed I would be cuter if I lost ten kilos of pork meat off my stomach, so it didn’t move separately from my body when I ran.
This is a flag from Sports Day I just uploaded.
This week one of my “students” built a mace out of a ping pong ball, tape, and screws. I’ve noticed “Um no” is a surprisingly successful strategy when teachers demand you give something to them. Pair “Um, no,” up with shoulder hunching like you aren’t going to give the thing up without a fight and […]
I’m missing a pile of laundry that I left on top of the dryer for two days. I asked around, but no one has seen the pile of stretched out clothing bought in the late ’90’s. Problem is there are twenty rooms in the share house. And ’90’s fashion is totally coming back in. Another […]
I signed up with an agency a while ago to do voice work. They asked me if I wanted to do extra work, and I checked the box yes, and then they took my measurements. And then I invited the guy who measured my inseam to a party. I’ve never gotten any voice work from […]
emily maloney 